Brave New Leaves

2003-04-04T04:50:00.000-08:00

you must listen to ACamp

2003-04-04T04:49:00.000-08:00

Sad enough for three. hundred. I have a complete scholarship, I don't have to pay for a single thing for 4 years, free food, free dorm, free parking. What a relief. disaster. I've been here for almost 2 months. I have recieved 3 emails from Robert. I am still with Curt. We talk almost every other day. But he's the boy who says "I love you but I'm not 'in' love with you. I'm too good, not good enough, for him. I finished my rainbow journal. Almost finished the next, which is the journal I always dreamed of. But all my dreams are different now. There is European fashion of course, which I can't really afford but indulge in anyhow. There is an entire MAC store and a clothing store next door called 'Glam'. But I have saved a thousand dollars since I've been away. I can buy alcohol and cigarettes here...I smoke pot with Tim (host brother) on occasion. But I will 18 in 9 days anyhow. Even my dad forgot. It's hard to think in English anymore. I don't have any friends except the school gay guy. I've lost 7 pounds. I cut my hair obscenly short. I wear lots of foolish makeup. I don't believe in love anymore. I'll be returning on May 14th, the day after Curt's birtday. We are going away to an island together for a few days. i will be working at the Mole Hole again, though I don't need anymore money. But only 5 days a week. I am going to go on vacation for 2 days a week every single week. There is alot to look forward to, but everything in my life has been a let down, so far. My hopes have faded. I still hate the world, I especially hate Germany. No one could understand.

2003-02-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

but supposing that you don't have to perfectly understand one another...

2003-02-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

now that you aren't beautifully tragic, I don't love you anymore...not the way I did...

2003-02-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

ok...online journal....supposed to post in these things once in a while. So bored, so sick...shots of robitussin...i hate curt, i hate robert...what else is new. my visit in ohio is boring and lame, though so is life. and don't i sound friendly...so adieu

2003-01-30T15:01:00.000-08:00

I wish I wrote more often...but the feeling to expose my thoughts to everyone online just isn't as appealing anymore. I am more satisfied writing in my own paper journal and just hanging out with Curt. Because everyone else is so easily bored. Why isn't anything exciting anymore? But it doesn't matter...everything is suddenly different again...but this time I don't care as much...because at least I am not alone this time. Not alone by a long shot, I guess. But tomorrow I am going to Ohio for a week. Curt has my cell phone...so don't bother calling it...unless you want to talk to him. I wonder if I will have fun in the snow. I doubt it because unfortunately, grandparents are pretty boring. That phone conversation wasn't even with Curt, which I suppose I knew all along...but he is here now, and we are watching Altar Boys which I think he actually likes.

2003-01-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

They'll all love you; you filthy disgusting slut. I wish you were dead. I wish I had killed you.

2003-01-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

*please deposit fifty cents for fifteen minutes*

-i have to go.

-josie?

-yeah?

-i love you . and that's a promise.

i'll love you tomorrow. and that's a promise

i'll love you the next day. and that's a promise.

*please deposit fifty cents for fifteen minutes*

...next day. and that's a promise.

this isn't goodbye

*click* "

i think that's the most poetic way to end a telephone conversation that ive ever heard.

2003-01-23T11:07:00.000-08:00

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2610109762

2003-01-22T19:24:00.000-08:00

Wow. After spending 30 minutes finding and alphabetizing my CD collection, I feel the need to list them here:

Bright Eyes: A Collection of Songs
Bright Eyes: Fevers and Mirrors
Bright Eyes: Joe's Collection
Bright Eyes: Joe's Mix
Bright Eyes: Letting Off The Happiness
Bright Eyes: Lifted
Bright Eyes: Mix #1 (5 great songs)
Bright Eyes: Mix #2 (random songs)
Bright Eyes and Son, Ambulance: Oh Holy Fools
Bright Eyes: There is No Beginning to the Story EP
Butt Trumpet: Primitive Enema
Coldplay: Parachute
Coldplay: A Rush of Blood to the Head
Dashboard Confessional: Drowning EP
Dashboard Confessional: Places That You've Come to Fear the Most
Dashboard Confessional: So Impossible EP
Dashboard Confessional: Summer's Kiss EP
Dashboard Confessional: Swiss Army Romance
Death Cab For Cutie: Can Play These Songs With Chords
Death Cab For Cutie: The Forbidden Love EP
Death Cab For Cutie: Photo Album
Death Cab For Cutie: Something About Airplanes
Death Cab For Cutie: Stability EP
Death Cab For Cutie: We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes
Desaparecidos: Read Music/Speak Spanish
Donnie Darko Soundtrack: Various Artists
Emo Is Awesome/Emo is Evil: Various Artists
The Faint: Blank Wave Arcade
The Faint: Danse Macabre
The Faint: Media
Fight Club Soundtrack: Various Artists
Fleetwood Mac: Greatest Hits
The Get Up Kids: Red Letter Day
Hedwig And The Angry Inch Soundtrack: John Cameron Mitchell/ Stephen Trask
Hey Pretty: A mix wrotten by Curt
John Mayer: Room for Squares
Memento: Music for and Inspired by the Film
Milemarker: Changing Caring Humans
Milemarker: Non Plus Ultra
Milemarker: Satanic Versus
Mindless Self Indulgence: Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy
Mindless Self Indulgence: Tight
Nelly: Nellyville
New Radicals: Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too.
A Perfect Circle: Mer de Noms
Pixies: Bossanova
Pixies: Doolittle
Pixies: Surfer Rosa
Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack: Various Trannies
Romeo and Juliet Soundtrack: Disc One
Todd Rundgren: Something/Anything (Disc One)
Saves The Day: I'm Sorry I'm Leaving
Wesley Willis/ Pimp Daddy Welfare: Random Songs
White Stripes: Red Blood Cells

2003-01-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

i've been denied all the best ultrasex

don't deny it...you were thinking japan

2003-01-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

My stomach hurts so bad I am dizzy. I ate some toast this morning and realized that my fingers were actually still coated with fingernail polish remover from the night before. I can't help feeling a Kristenesque sort of death premonition. Maybe I should just live off pills. Last night I attempted to make myself accept (1) that Josie is not part of my, or Curt's, life and (2) that I may have to live without friends, really, seeing as how they don't seem interested in sharing my last 3 weeks with me...which is ok, of course, because Curt (and Robert) want to spend every minute with me. Anyhow, I still think about Josie...and what exactly is the amount of time one should wait between taking a birth control pill and vomiting...i wouldn't want to make the pill ineffective, but this fingernail polish remover/toast combination is feeling horrible...

2003-01-21T09:42:00.000-08:00

my journal has been really lame lately. having just typed in my name on google, I realized how easy it is to find this page....sigh

2003-01-16T13:25:00.000-08:00

it's the end of the world

...and all your journal entries are devoted to him lately.

2003-01-16T06:17:00.000-08:00

out of touch, are we out of time?

Yes, I'm really bored today...

what's YOUR deepest secret?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

absolute power corrupts.

but really? lately worried about kristen's drug habit...though I obviously shouldn't be. Robert and Blake are here...makeup on...smells good...and Boris called me a slut.

2003-01-15T13:10:00.000-08:00

...but why for good?

2003-01-15T06:54:00.000-08:00

Waiting...till a day when I don't have to feel guilty anymore...but will it ever, ever come? Nothing ever makes me happy anymore. Where have the BT's been lately? Call me, please, save me. Hang out with me tonight, tommorrow, for the acoustic show at the Living Room. Notice my new nails and show affection even though it's not your thing. Don't think that I am ditching you, please don't ever think that. Are we going to KOA? Exhale...another wasted breath...

2003-01-14T09:21:00.000-08:00

Listening to the Hedwig Soundtrack in German class fills me with new inspiration to write, though my journal is lost forever...in the hands of God knows who...reading my every thought. But if this were true...wouldn't they call me or send it back to me, all the information is in there. Arrghh, this makes me feel like maybe the book is sitting still under a table at Club Blue. But, hopefully, I will go there this weekend. This beloved weekend full of KOA and fun.

2003-01-14T04:52:00.000-08:00

i'm so tired it makes my head spin

2003-01-09T04:53:00.000-08:00

I have never needed to scream before. I feel like I cannot live without screaming now. I finally understand the New Radicals song that we always laugh at... "Need to scream, So filled with rage...." but so quietly because he is perhaps admitting defeat. You really screwed my world. My god, this is the perfect song for how I am feeling. If I was listening to it, I would be talking back to Mr. Alexander as though he were real, or fake, or Chris Carraba.
I Don't Wanna Die Anymore

Two months of fun
Two years of pain
Add it up
And get a life of rain
need to scream
But too ashamed
it's gonna rain it's gonna rain
You wanna go you wanna stay you wanna
you really blew my world
I wanna live and there's only one way
I don't wanna die anymore
I want to live it up
I don't want this high anymore
But I can't give it up
I won't live a lie anymore
I need to give you up
Won't you save me
Two Months of sun
A life of rain
Add it up
I'm on my own again
Need to scream
I'm so filled with rage
It's gonna rain it's gonna rain
You wanna go you wanna stay you wanna
You really screwed my world
I gotta live but you stand in the way
I'm pullin out now "UHH"
I don't wanna die anymore
I want to live it up
I don't want this high anymore
But I can't give it up
I won't live a lie anymore
I need to give you up
And "OH OH BABY" did you think that I was strong?
Well "OH OH HONEY" can't ya see that you were wrong?
"OH OH BABY" did you think that I was strong?

2003-01-07T05:34:00.000-08:00

you want to kick it to me
and then bite off my head
you want to kick it to me
and then bite off my head
That's the way we insects do it

2003-01-02T06:37:00.000-08:00

he finally says "i love you" but how am i to believe him? except that he would never say it before...always wanted to be sure. He didn't love me before but now he says what i always wanted. Why are those words so important to me? I don't know, I don't understand, really. the problem, of course, is that i am falling for Robert as well. Though moody and...gay (?) i feel very strongly for him. i can't leave either of them, though i know that i have to.

2002-12-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

If you only knew what I was doing to you, Robert.

2002-12-29T05:56:00.000-08:00

Christmas day Blake and I stole the 19 1/2 miles per hour sign from my neighborhood for Curt as a Christmas present. He liked it...he likes me. Luckily, Robert came back on Saturday, so I haven't been able to spend time alone with Curt...which could have easily resulted in disaster. However, I am supposed to go to his academic team championship on Monday and then he wants to take me on a date. Why does he have to complicate my life? I told him that I couldn't do this again...he has broken my heart too many times and I know he would never love me. But then he said "But what if I could love you." Sounds like a Joe fortune cookie. What if you could? Are you saying you do? It shouldn't matter anyways...I have Robert. But his mood swings are intolerable. The sex is good...but too fast and emotionless. Sex with Curt was always so loving, somehow, though it truly was void of emotion as well.

2002-12-29T05:49:00.000-08:00

I wish I was Marion.

2002-12-27T04:57:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a lot lately...sort of forgotten about posting. I have an appointment at the endocrinoligist (sp?) in an hour. I have no clue what kind of doctor that is or why I am going. My other doctor referred me there and apparently, my mother forgot to ask what the treatment would be. Please no shots. Robert is in Chicago still, until tomorrow or Sunday. I have to work both of those days. I like not going to school. Soon, I will only be working 1 lousy day a week. I don't know how I can afford to live. And I still have to get Robert's christmas present. I miss him. And I don't really miss Curt...much...

2002-12-20T10:48:00.000-08:00

Oh my God...I just remembered that in the story I started for NaNoWrMo the main character's name was Paul!! hahhhahahahaha

2002-12-20T05:38:00.000-08:00

I've posted so many times, never to publish at school. I nearly gave up, since I am a little further (farther?) in the paper journal. Sigh, ok...so the next day, I was to go to Robert's house before work. It was a bit awkward. God, I don't feel like writing right now.

2002-12-17T04:51:00.000-08:00

my real life has also been great...but i can't bring myself to write about it yet. I don't really know why. Sigh, I guess I should record something so I don't forget. After meeting Robert at the Rocky Horror Picture Show a few weeks ago, I honestly thought about him very frequently. One day last week, Rebekah and I were at Waffle House and I was blabbering on about how I found him extremely attractive. She thinks he's gay, anyways. Later that night, we drove over to the Lazy i for the remnants of a day-long concert. As we went in, Robert was just leaving...having been there for 9 hours or so, he wasn't really talkative. We laughed about it, naturally. Oh, and I am still dating Travis at this point though I hate every moment with him. The next weekend, or Friday really...Rebekah had mentioned to Robert that I had somewhat of the teenage crush on him...he appeared extremely uninterested. Still, on Friday, she called me to exclaim that we were supposed to hang out with him. We met at Wal-Mart...wandering around aimlessly for hours. Then we drove to BTs female entertainers and screamed with laughter as we drove by. And suddenly, a wrong turn left us stuck in the mud. Called Travis despite Rebekah assuring me he would be of absoutely no help. Hahaha, naturally, she was right. Luckily, the warranty covered such things and a very cold hour later, we were out...it was free, but they will eventually contact my parents I'm sure. Anyhow, from there we went to Wendy's...though the sight of food disgusts me while on this medicine. Blake met us there and we explained every single inside joke on the list to Robert. I guess he thought they were funny. We then went to the Lazy I and soon after, I drove home. Next day, after work is intended to be Mega Movie Marathon. It ends up starting late and Rebekah could only stay for a few minutes. We finished Hedwig and then Robert was going to have to go home. Blake and I decided to go to his house for a while. I called Travis on the way, where he proceeded to tell me that he was mad because I was acting "differently". What a fucking idiot. We ended up watching every single movie that we brought and forgoing sleep for the entire evening. I didn't think that he really liked me...but Blake convinced me that if I really liked him I should keep trying. Around 6 am, we ran out of movies. Robert had A Clockwork Orange, so we watched that. I kissed him on the cheek...he started making out with me. Naturally, it was great, I had to leave for work a couple hours later and Blake drove home then too. She was truly happy for me, and I actually felt like I had a friend who didn't find me trite. Robert came to visit me at work, and it was freezing, but we were warm. Well, sort of, I guess. I had to go out to dinner with my dad and his new girlfriend...it was okay, but I was so tired. I called Travis on the way home. He blabbers on and on about nonsense before I just stop him "Ok, ok, you're mad at me. What do you want to do?" In the most dramatic voice he can muster: "Bobbi, it's over." Hahaha. What a face. He didn't even know about Robert...he just didn't want to buy me a Christmas present. Excuse me sir...

2002-12-17T04:37:00.000-08:00

email from fictionromantic:

Hey, I haven't heard from you in a few days. I was
just wondering where you have been. i really enjoyed
talking to you.
~paul~

2002-12-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

Hello,

You don't sound artificial in your letters, and I
really do think you could become a writer someday.

I only thought about writing a book once title a crass
saying my dad used to tell me when times where hard
"Son, Ya Gotta Piss Through the Cock God Give Ya". I
even heard him say that to my sister on
seveocassionsions, even though she obviously has no
cock. That saying always madeabsolutelyutly furious
when I was younger and my Dad would say it to me in
the midst of a minor tragedy, but now I think back on
that saying as being some of the wisest words to even
grace my ears. Both of my parents died sometime back
and I hope to devote myself to two huge projects in
memory of each of them sometime within my lifetime,
the book for my Dad and I am still thinking of one for
my Mom.

I'm sorry, I had no intent on going off into a sob
story. I'm suppose to make you happy. Well I must be
going I have several things to do today. I will
probaSaturdayere saturday evening, if you're online
I'll talk to you then. I'll miss talking to you today,
actually I already do.

~paul~

2002-12-13T04:42:00.000-08:00

gutenmorgen andere Hälfte
Hello Bobbi AKA Mr. BT,

I searched online for a picture of Mr. BT the
piss-poor peanut man, but I couldn't find him. They
used to sell brand of potato chips around here for a
short time called "Rap Snax". On the Rap Snax bag
there was a humaniod potato wearing a red hoodie with
with a name tag on it that said "MC Potato". MC Potato
was behind a set of turn tables and he had a gold
tooth and chains. Rap Snax were amazing. In Baltimore
the most popular flavored chip is "Crab Flavor", I'm
not making this up at all, I tried a crab flavored
chip once and it was sickening, but I still felt
compelled to eat another one which was also sickening.
But, my all time favorit potato chip EVER!!! has to be
"Malcolm X potato chips" These chips a product of the
Malcolm X craze after the Spike Lee movie Malcolm X
was released. Malcolm X chips were just a plan black
bag with a huge white X across it and in the corner in
small print it said "Malcolm X potato chips". This has
to be one the funniest yet saddest products ever made!

Alright, I have no idea how I got off on that ramble,
but in other news I already have your christmas
present and I will probably be mailing it in the
morning. In other, other news as you know I will
probably not be able to talk to you tonight, but I
already know I will miss talking to you. I've grown
quite fond of you in a very short period of time,
which is very unusual for me.

Sincerely,
~paul weaver~

2002-12-12T04:42:00.000-08:00

sigh, my internet love affair....going so much more smoothly than that of real life. I like the internet...

2002-12-12T04:41:00.000-08:00

Hello Other Half

I compiled a list of possible super heros I may become
one day, which one do you like the best?

Chili Man - Has the power to turn into a bowl of
chili, if this bowl of chili is eaten by a super
villain it will give him very bad indigestion, but it
will also end chili man's existence.

Microscopic Man - Has the power to shrink to a
minuscule size but does not have the power to return
to normal size, so he must standby and wait for the
one perfect opportunity to use his power.

Incredulous Hulk - A large green man that lies a lot
and no one really likes him, but he has a lot of cool
stuff so people will hangout with him.

Two Crabs - Two Crabs that have the power to plummet
from the hood of a car to their deaths, making a
possible car thief very sad if he happens to like
crabs.

Delicious the Juggernaut of all Fruit - Has the power
to squirt an assortment of fruit juices from his
finger tips, but no one will drink it because they
think it is sickening and vulgar.

Oh Yeah, I also found a picture of myself that my face
is not distorted or covered by a floral print sheet
in, but it is very small and not a very good picture.

Keep it real ~Paul AKA The Other, Other Half~

2002-12-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

I sware that I'm dying
Slowly but it's happening...
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
Just take me there

But I do wish for the snow...and he wishes away the snow...dead and eternal snow...but I suppose if it was snowing and cold and the world looked dead, not beautiful, then I wouldn't want the snow either. But in Christmas cards the snow always sparkles.

2002-12-10T12:26:00.000-08:00

I intentionally wrote it out to be an illegible mess
You wanted me to write you letters
But I'd rather lose your address

I'm not going to fight that fact that I need to write song lyrics on a nearly daily basis.

2002-12-10T06:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, I can no longer tolerate not having a journal. Hopefully this one can remain more discreet...I want to write for myself.